To Never Really Let Go-Love And Cheating Story

To Never Really Let Go

We have known each other for the majority of our lives. We grew 

together, we learned together, we celebrated milestones together. I 

was the girl with the brown eyes, you were the boy with the big 

brown eyes, the eyes that looked upon me as if I was a goddess sent 

from above. Even as young children it was plain to see, you were 

besotted with me and even at that young age, I knew you loved me.

For so many years we continued on our paths separately, but there 

was always those moments. Moments when we were both single we would 

see each other, each time we met again, it was like we never were 

apart. For nearly a decade we continued this dance, it was hard to 

avoid each other or know what the other was doing, our families 

always talked. I always knew that if I called your number you would 

be there for me. Your number has never changed, it is burned into my 

memory, even a year could pass without a call but when I needed you, 

where ever I was, your number was always with me.

There wasn't anything you wouldn't do for me, you would always do 

anything to please me, to show me love, but never once did you tell 

me. Why did we never talk about how we really felt? Did you remember 

that last time before you left to continue your career when I 

whispered those three words you never said to me, "I love you." To 

this day I wonder if you ever heard those words. The words that if 

you had told me, maybe our life choices would have been different. I 

even lied to tell you that I had been pregnant with your child, 

years later, to see if you would say anything. You showed compassion 

and it was obvious you wished that I had kept the "baby". Will the 

world ever forgive me for making you think that I terminated our 

child, created with love, to try and make you see me, and tell me 

that you loved me?

Eventually I found a man who would tell me he loved me, in many ways 

he reminded me of you especially how he struggles to share his true 

feelings. But my man told me that he loved me, he asked me to be his 

wife, I decided to accept his proposal and started to plan my new 

life. 

But a few short months before I would walk down the aisle, after 

years of being absent from my life, you reappeared into my life. You 

looked at me with those big brown eyes, my heart began to melt, I 

gave into my desires, just more time I said. It was the night to end 

all nights, the night to finally say goodbye.

You flew back into town to see me walk down the aisle. Even the 

videographer knew how you felt as I wed the man who asked to me 

marry me. As I look back at my wedding video there is a shot, of 

you, and only you watching me get married, those big brown eyes said 

it all. I can see in your eyes that you love me but you couldn't 

ever tell me. You never said a word when they asked if anyone 

objected, how could you and I knew you would never say a word, our 

love was unspoken, it always was.

Then you started your life, far away from me, finding a lady who 

loved you, a lady who wanted to be your wife, a lady proud to say 

that she loved you. She became your wife and I couldn't go to be 

there to see you marry her. I couldn't risk ruining your chance at 

happiness, I had cheated once with you, I knew we would make a bad 

choice, I lied to you again, I chose my career over seeing you 

marry. 

Your wife always knew that there was something special between us, I 

always wonder what you have told her about us. I backed away but 

every now and then the phone would ring or a message appear on 

Facebook, it was erratic and often when you were away from home as 

you often were. I cherish the day that I attended a family function 

of yours whilst you were away and you called to say hello to your 

family. To hear your voice again, from so far away, it was 

comforting, as the wife of another I still do worry when you are in 

a war-zone, even if I can't admit it publicly.

When you came back to our home state, I would make sure I was busy 

and out of town. I knew when you were here, with your family that 

has grown to include your son. He looks so much like you, especially 

as a baby, the one thing I couldn't give you. My parents met your 

son, you were so proud, they told me how beautiful he is. I am so 

glad you have a family, I want you to be happy.

But then you call or text or hint that we could go back to the way 

we were. Are you not happy, do you really want to risk it all? You 

make me consider risking it all. There has been many a night when I 

have conjured up your memory of one those special nights. My insides 

grow wet I pleasure myself with images of you and how you touched 

me. Only you can touch me in the way that makes me weak at the 

knees, I try to remember as I find myself taken on that magical ride 

of bliss. But it is only a memory, a memory doesn't leave me, like 

your phone number, a memory is not cheating.

When we communicate there is often that inappropriate comment always 

coming from you. I normally can rebuff you and laugh about it but 

this time I wandered, this time I gave in. Was it that I was trying 

to show off, prove to your future sister in law that you really were 

in love with me. If only she knew how far I would go to see you 

again. 

The things I have said, to get you to be here, the thought that both 

of us would go outside of our vows for just one moment of happiness. 

What will I do when you arrive in our home state, alone, the only 

way I knew you would agree. Will we break the rules just one more 

time? After 24 hours of sexting, my thoughts are all confused, can I 

really break the rules and continue with my life, and you return to 

yours as if nothing happened? Just adding another memory that may 

always be associated with deception and lies, especially to those we 

have vowed to remain true to?

Ironic it is a wedding that brings us back together, a wedding that 

may cause us both to break the sanctions of marriage for just one 

moment of pleasure. Part of me wishes you aren't released for leave 

so I never have to face my true feelings. But this time will be 

different, we are going to talk. I can't say it over the phone, or 

via a text, it has to be in person, so I can see what you are 

feeling in those big brown eyes.

We have never really let go of each other, that has become obvious 

to me. From your behavior and urgency to enjoy every minute you are 

away from your wife, it makes me think you have never let go of me 

either. But this time we have to decide, is it time to say goodbye 

or is it time to open up to the world about how we feel. So many 

lives will be shattered if we decide to proclaim to the world, but 

so many lives can be shattered if we continue to lie to those we 

claim to love.

Only time will tell, there is nothing I can do but wait. To see what 

those big brown eyes tell me, when I lay my feelings, what ever they 

may be on the table for you to respond. What ever the outcome a 

piece of my heart will always and forever belong to you.